November 2016


As part of my “weird crap my students say” series, these are just from teaching in South Korea. They needed a category of their own.

July 29, 2012

Asked my class where all the boys are. The tiniest, cutest girl says, “Oh teacha, I kill them. All of them.” Then gave a big smile.

I can only cry 3 times in my life: When I’m born, when my parents die, and when the world is destroyed.

July 16, 2012

(As I’m walking home from school) “Jared-uh!!! You are American Idol. Forever!”

June 18, 2012

One student said this in class learning about Father’s Day: “My dad is fat but then he went on diet and now he is very hard.”

June 12, 2012

Had my students create dialogues out of vague situations and then perform 2 minute plays. Here is the best whole class example.

Situation: Going to the bathroom.

(They got to pick 4 random people) They chose: Obama, Lee Myung-bak (President of S. Korea), Jared Teacher, Kim Jong Un.

Kim Jong Un: Hello!
Lee Myung-bak: What are you doing?
Kim Jong Un: I went poo poo.
Jared Teacher: Wow!!
Obama: Good job!

End scene.

 

June 4, 2012

When having the students explain why a skunk could kill a chimpanzee (for an animal wars tournament), one student said the skunk could win, “because it smells like Jared.” Then I taught them about deodorant and realized they had never heard of it. So now I say they smell bad.

May 23, 2012

The dress attire for teachers at my school is so weird. Some are wearing suits, some polos, some dresses, and there’s a teacher wearing a shirt with a cat with a princess crown on it.

May 15, 2012

On my way to class, I told my co-teacher that this particular one was probably my least favorite because they never speak. We get to class and after a couple minutes of them not answering any of my questions, he TELLS them in Korean our entire conversation!

May 14, 2012

To relate to Mother’s Day, I had my students come up with different ways they help their mothers. Last class said, in unison, they they help there mothers by plucking out all of their grey hairs. “It’s Korean tradition.”

April 24, 2012

Here’s part of a letter a student of mine wrote. ” You look very handsome. I think you look like hamesome King Kong. Teacher is good at speak English.”

This was supposed to be a letter about which country they would like to visit.

April 23, 2012

On my way out of school; a boy yelled out of the 3rd floor window, “Teacher teacher! Kiss meeeeeeee!!” I yelled, “No!”. Then he got angry and yelled, “Kiss meeeeee!” again. He kept repeating and yelling it until I was out of sight.

April 16, 2012

Things I’ve learned about where my students would like to travel: They want to go to Somalia to see pirates; Canada to eat/drink maple syrup; Greece to meet Zeus; and North Korea to punch Kim Jong Un.

“America is famous for black people”

April 8, 2012

Had my students describe their family. One student says his father looks like Joseph Stalin.

March 30, 2012

Had my Saturday students form a band and write a song. This group called, ‘Coconut’ wrote this gem of a song.

Title: “Oh! Oh! Oh!”

Verse:

Is grandmother there?

Is grand father there? Speak loud!

Say oh! oh?

Jared You oh! say ho! ho! ho!

We are coconut! I’m oh! Robert Hayden

Richard and French Fry don’t cry don’t cry

trash

Chorus:

Grandmother there? Oh! oh!

grandfather there? oh! oh!

Yeah! Oh! oh! oh!

Yeah! Robert Hayden Richard and French Fry

don’t don’t cry we are good friends

March 16, 2012

Came into my last class and said, ‘Hola’. Instantly 4 boys got up and did their own Korean version of the cha-cha dance.

March 13, 2012

Have a girls class where some decided to call themselves Jesus, Bella, and Lady Gaga.

I also have boys named Mr. Ham, Zombei, November Rush, Potato, and 3 or 4 McDonalds

February 12, 2012

had my students choose English names, one boy picked, ‘Parker’ and everyone started laughing. I asked why and they thought he picked the name, ‘fucker’.

Also, I now have girls who decided to call themselves, ‘Virus’, ‘Adidas’, ‘K-Swiss’, and ‘Black Yak’.

January 16, 2012

Had my students make an advertisement for a restaurant. The best one was definitely “K-Popcorn”.

January 12, 2012

Today some teachers took me out to lunch with them. We get to the car and I asked a teacher if students get excited about sitting in the front seat. They said something that resembles yes, and I said that in America we call it, “riding shotgun”. She looked at me scared and said, “OH! Very dangerous!”

December 16, 2011

Alright just witnessed high schoolers break a window, and the biggest kid (and trouble-maker) in school tore off a huge slab of pointed glass. Needless to say I ran downstairs and got everyone I could find to help. Really scary. Now I get to go home early!

December 7, 2011

I’m teaching my kids about American music this week, and the kids wanted to listen to Justin Bieber (an all boys class). I told them it’s weird because in America, “girls like Justin Bieber but boys hate Justin Bieber, in Korea girls love Justin Bieber and boys love Justin Bieber”. Right after I said that a Korean boy yelled, “GAY!!!!”

December 1, 2011

Taught my 2nd grade high schoolers how to give advice. I gave them scenerios and they had to come up with advice. Their advice for everything, no matter what was, “KILL THEM, FIGHT, HIT, or SUICIDE!!”

November 29, 2011

Had my classes create a menu for a made up restaurant. The classes vote on their favorite restaurant. The winner of the last class was, ‘KKK Kebabs’.

November 28, 2011

Asked my principal what he did this weekend. He said that tried out a new golf course. He then proceeded to tell me that trying out a new golf course is like being a geisha or like “sex” for the first time.

November 16, 2011

Last speaking test of the week. Today’s topic was: ‘If you could be another person, who would you be?” In my all-girls class the instant that was written on the board, a girl yelled, “BOY!!!!”

November 13, 2011

The students have speaking tests all week. First class topic: ‘Which country would you like to go to and why, give details’. So far the best (as far as humorous) is:

“I want to go to America, cause there’s lots uhhh sexy lady!”

October 31, 2011

Taught my middle schoolers the food pyramid in English. I then asked them to brainstorm their favorite healthy and unhealthy foods. For the unhealthy foods they included beer, soju (for the Americans who don’t know this is a very popular vodka-like drink), whiskey, and Makgeolli (rice wine). I teach a bunch of 14 year old alcoholics.

October 24, 2011

“Do you uhhh eatuhhh breakfastuhhhh?”
“Yes I do”
“What do you eatuhhh?”
“Usually cereal. Why do you ask?”
“Becausahhhh Koreans, eat breakfastuhhhh” (awkward stare and walks away)

October 17, 2011

Just walked by a Korean kid on the sidewalk. When he saw me he yelled, “SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!!!!!”

September 29, 2011

I had a class break up into teams and write out their team name and draw a mascot. One team was, “Sexy on the Beachy”. Their mascot was naked women and penis sharks on the beach.

September 27, 2011

I asked my class to vote on what the best super power is. They picked Santa Clause. This is an all-girls class. I then showed them a picture of what Santa looks like, and they were all mortified.

September 23, 2011

A teacher just gave us beer and fried chicken in school.

September 21, 2011

So for my Korean Teacher’s class I was supposed to teach them how to say, “Where is…. It is on…..” but instead we talked about the movie Seven, what the deadly sins are and the different ways of saying the word prostitute, talked about derogatory terms you shouldn’t say to minorities (they wanted to know), talked about propaganda, the the political spectrum, and Kim Jong Il.

Well that didn’t go as planned

September 16, 2011

September 15, 2011

Just went out into the hallway and there’s two kids on their knees against the wall and my co-teacher slapped one in the head.

 

 

 

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The point of this post is to show the absurdity of teaching and the hilarity behind it.

This will base off my career so far which started in 2010-2011 (student teaching). From 2011-2012 I taught in South Korea, and since 2012 I have taught in the Dearborn, MI area in both charter and public schools.

No names will be used other than my own. Enjoy!

November 23, 2016

nov-23-2016-no-shave-november

November 2, 2016

One of my AP students randomly asks,

“Are sharks real?”
“Yes, why?”
“You never hear about them so I didn’t think they’re real.”
“You know there’s a shark week right?”
“Yeah, I thought those were just reruns of Jaws movies.”
~blank stare~

Later in class,
“Are reindeer real?”

October 24, 2016

maynard-sensei-oct-24-2016

One of my former students drew this. Since I taught in Korea someone made an anime picture of me titled “Maynard Sensei”. Since then I get a lot of stuff like this (even though I did karate in 4th grade only).

 

October 24, 2016

Today in my government class learning about judiciary review:

“Whoa, man, are Jews in charge of the Judicial branch too? Like, Jew-dicial. Man they run everything!”

September 29, 2016

A student decided that my spirit animal is a “Jumbo Shrimp”. It has taken off from there.

September 20, 2016

An interpretation of what happened during Bacon’s Rebellion.

April 27, 2016

A student trying to get tips for the AP U.S. History final

March 23, 2016

March 2, 2016

 

February 24, 2016

Student 1: I have a stigmatism in my eye.
Student 2: I don’t get how black people know things. Like how can they figure out where things are, and how do they know what tables are and stuff?
~everyone stares as I look at him mortified~
Me: what are you talking about?
Student 2: Why’s everybody looking at me? I don’t get how they get around and, like, know things.
Me: Black people?
Student 2: No, blind people. What did I say?
Class in unison: Black people!

January 15, 2016

That moment when you get after your students for phones going off in class and it turns out it’s your phone and your mom texting you. Thanks for distracting my class mom.

January 12, 2016

Things I learned today about my fellow white men (as told by an after school make up course of non-white students)

-We are mental
-We like to shoot up schools
-We like to shoot little kids
-We think our sisters are attractive
-When we don’t shower we smell like bologna
-We like NASCAR
-We think we own everything
-We always speak in proper grammar and hate people who don’t
-We hate our parents so much we want to shoot them
-We all own guns

Stereotypes, am I right? *facepalm*

January 4, 2016

A Christmas gift

December 18, 2015

Christmas presents! Inspired by Elf.

December 11, 2015

Got this from a kid

December 9, 2015

Had my formal observation today. During it a student stopped and said, “Mr. Maynard, I want to thank you for putting the question on the board and being the best teacher ever.” Then starts coughing and looking at the administrator to make sure she heard it.

November 3, 2015

You tried?

October 16, 2015

I had to break up two boys passionately arguing about Meryl Streep.

September 18, 2015

In  AP US History  we are learning about the Puritans. When reading a document, I asked the kids basically what the Puritans were trying to accomplish. A student then said that the Puritans were “trying to spread their Christian seed across America.” Later in class he finished his assignment early and wanted to draw something. He then made it look the the Puritan boats were sperm going to the egg of America.

June 1, 2015

“Sexism is bad, and bad is good for women” is something I heard today.

May 27, 2015

Classy

May 15, 2015

Here’s one way to answer a question

May 7, 2015

I was just told I look like Bubba from Forrest Gump and a student just did the Macarena.

 

April 25, 2015
Here’s one way to start an essay
April 22, 2015

Found out a student is suspended for 180 days for having a knife out in class.

What was the knife for? Steak. A kid pulled out a steak in class and started eating it.

 

March 6, 2015

French Revolution project

January 20, 2015

When you teach in an old Spanish room

October 24, 2014

My students were filling out a map of Latin America and Asia to prepare for learning the Spanish American War. They had trouble finding Panama so I told them it’s a Van Halen song. Then a student goes, “Yeah, isn’t that the girl who couldn’t see or talk?” So I guess Van Halen is Helen Keller?

September 19, 2014

A random kid walked in my room and started dancing while repeating, “sausages” over and over.

September 15, 2014

Teaching 6th grade is different than the 9th graders I teach. For example, today a 6th grader pulled out a tooth, set it down, then finished his quiz. It was hardcore.

September 3, 2014

Something nice

May 29, 2014

While simulating the Cuban Missile Crisis, the student playing John F. Kennedy asked if he could, “simulate being with Marilyn Monroe instead.”

May 27, 2014

Learning about the arms/space race today. A student asked (in all seriousness), “You know how the astronauts walked on the moon? How come we can’t do that here on Earth?”

 
April 14, 2014
Student tip of the day: The best way to fall asleep within 30 seconds is to flex every muscle in your body at once. “You’ll pass out quick”.
April 3, 2014
“Didn’t Hitler discover the human body?” was something asked in my class today.
March 11, 2014
A couple weeks ago I had my students simulate the stock market crash of 1929 by buying and selling fake stocks with fake money in class. One student took that skill and invested in a real stock and is going to sell it for a profit of over $600.
February 24, 2014
Only at my school can you say that you’re going on your honeymoon in Jamaica and a kid will say, “Why Jamaica? Iraq is so much better!”
February 14, 2014
Back around October my students had a poster project and I put good ones on the wall. One student asked if he could keep all of them. I said, “Not right now (gives weird look). Why?” He said that he wanted to make a sword. When I took them down he took them home. Yesterday, he gives me something wrapped in a cloth. It is a full working sword made out of the posters, wrapped in tin foil. It is now called, “The Student Slayer”.
December 19, 2013
This was an assignment for why America joined WWI
December 18, 2013
A student gave me a present so I left the box on my desk. Midway through a student said “Mr. Maynard, I touched your box so now a part of me is always inside you.”
November 14, 2013
Come at me bro!
November 10, 2013
Here’s one way to suck up

 

Hello everyone (anyone?)

I just randomly logged in and saw that I have used this type of blogging system for college classes-more specifically something to do with English/Language Arts education. I’ve been thinking about starting a blog for a few months now and have some time to do it. It’s weird looking back 6-7 years ago to see what I used to write and the assignments I used to do. Good times. This post is to explain why I am writing and what I will most likely be writing about…..

As a 29 year old (old!) married man who may have a family soon, I came to the realization that I need to write. I do not qualify myself as a good writer. In fact I get very nervous at the thought of writing. However, there’s so much stuff in my brain I have to let loose.

To give some background, I am a social studies teacher in Dearborn, MI. I absolutely love my job-no matter how crazy it gets. With the new presidential administration and the growing problems public schools I am very nervous for the future.

With that in mind these are some goals I have for writing:

-First I am going to post all the funny things that happened to me as a teacher. The point is to show the absurdities of the profession. Other than mine, no names will be used to protect the innocent.

-I have been trying to write about the current state of affairs creatively. My source is the punk rock band NOFX’s 1999 song, “The Decline”. Lyrically it is probably my favorite song of all time. Every since around 2011, when I went to South Korea to teach, I have planned in my head a story based off the lyrics of the song. I have not written a single word yet. So some blog posts may be lyrics from that song with me trying to be creative with it.

-Write about the state of affairs of the United States, the world, and my life in general. The basis is to get it out there and fully flesh out thoughts I have about what is going on.

-Write about what I know. I have a myriad of interests: my wife, travel, music, sports, teaching, history, comedy, reading, craft beer, philosophy, financial fraud, politics, school, etc. Basically whatever is on my mind I want to write about it.

So here we go!